Today=madness.

Have you ever been so angry that you wanna smack someone or punch or drop-kick something? Life didn't start out that way. It starts with a bunch of screaming and crying and you're all dirty of muck and despite that...everyone's thrilled to see your face. Try doing that as an adult, ranting and raving and screaming and crying, no one wants to partner up with a nut job.  This is no Maury or Springer show, so why does it feel like one? This is definitely not a reality show, so why's it feel like at any moment the camera will be visible? Is it all set up to be this way? Is this predetermined madness, or is it madness by choice?
It feels like every day I'm getting further and further away from what I really wanted in life. The year started out right. I rid us of that cancer that ate away at our family, but before we knew it another cancer attacked and started chewing away at us. Should people, living breathing people be seen as cancers? Am I someone's cancer?  I believe that people are placed in your path to augment your authenticity as a decent person or to disgrace you, to challenge beliefs and to test whether you know the difference between right and wrong. The reaction to those people is what makes you stronger or weaker or dissolves you entirely. If life is all about growing, being at peace, being whole, then am I an epic fail or what?
I tend to gravitate toward life's nut cases. Nature or nurture, who knows and who cares? Was I enabled by my predecessors to take care of people who cannot take care of themselves? I should be putting myself first. In the solitude of my mind, that's the thought I keep having. In my opinion, the better the person and the stronger the person I am, will make a difference to those around me. I should lead by example. I'm tired of trying to figure it all out. Geeze, I should have it figured out by now. I'm closer to my death than I am to my birth, so I really should get it together. instead of helping other people and wasting time believing or disbelieving their innate ability to screw shit up, I should work on me as opposed to them. I'd get better results that way.
Madness...here's egg on your face. The floor, literally,  so clean it up. I wasn't angry or surprised as much as I was motivated. Instead of cleaning the egg, I cleaned the entire kitchen. One mess (egg) led to another mess (my hoarding of plastic bottles). It's not the mess, or even who made it, it's the lack of giving a shit about the mess that burned me up.
I'm being taken advantage of by able bodied people. That's my madness, what drives me to madness on a Friday afternoon. While I was busy complaining about someone else's mess, I realized the point to the whole ordeal. I realized I had completely overlooked my very own. I cannot own the 'eggs', but I own the whole kitchen.

Jill 9/1/14