You are still alive, but you are dead to me

You're still alive, but your're dead to me.
Is that really a bad philosophy, considering the abomination of a relationship status?
I tried to make this work repeatedly. I have tried all different angles. I have tried being polite, mature, adult about the shitty things you do and your shitty personality traits.
I have tried being cooperative with an uncooperative partner.
Partner, that's a joke really. I am my own partner.
I tried going the bitch route. I am not a really good bitch per se.
I tried it all and the conclusion I always arrive at is that I wish you death. That's when I reach the very end of my rope. Then you come along and say the right thing or the thing I wanna hear and you tie me up in the very ends of my own rope. I get further and further bound til I am at wits end.

I have come to the conclusion that after a decade's worth of anger, sorrow, mistreating each other, being used or letting myself fall victim to it, that you are dead to me. It's just better that way. That was the conclusion I reached last time before you hit me up with the "I'm sorry", "I was wrong, you were right", "we can make this work", etc... So now I am back to the original last ending. Dead is just so much easier only you pay me 75$ a week and I get peace and quiet.
Know what really got on my last nerve? The music. Of all the things that could have struck an odd chord in me, it was that shitty lovey-dovey spanish music that took you back to a childhood that you should nor revisit in your head ever. If any part of you needs to be left behind it's your fucked up childhood. But you just can't let it go. The abuse, the rejection, the sadness and the pain. Dude, your mom is never going to love you or want you.  She's evil, vile, scum of the earth Mami. Fuck her.

---The straw that broke that Rican's back was the argument that ensued one Monday morning between him and my 11 year old son. That argument culminated in him leaving. Again. He was disrespected in his own house. He was disrespected in my house by my child. All of a sudden he's just my child, right. Like he didn't take part in the last decade of child rearing, letting that kid down repeatedly over the years. That boy is pissed off and disgruntled with him. I told him back in April that he needed to clear up the mess that he made with the boy the last year or so. That child has a grudge and he's like his mom, once there's a grudge, it cannot be undone. And the boy is a sensitive soul as well. An old soul. He sees bullshit and calls you on it. Ah, my baby...And that Monday morning he gave it back with a smart ass mouth and ripped that Rican a new asshole, no holds barred, that kid let him have it. It was due. Long over due. That he doesn't agree with him, that he is not his father and he doesn't act like one. He also spewed a lot of F words through out his tirade. Well, the Rican was pissed. I told him to clean up the mess that he had between him and the boy. The kid and I don't have any issues and we get it out at the time it happens regardless of appropriate language.
So he left, again. He took his belongings in my red Marlboro bag again. He left, sputtering something about 2 roosters cannot live in the same hen house or some silly analogy like that.---

Ok. Goodbye.
You are the big fan of let's talk this out. Communication is key unless it  goes against what you want, right?
There will be no phone calls. There will be no text messages. There will be no mature chats or verbal exchanges. I will not badger you to fix what is undone here. I will deal with the grass that needs cutting, the drippy faucet, the maintainence issues. I will continue to pay my bills and take all the responsibility for my children. I will continue to be the 1. The 1 that is HERE.

Jill
8/31/12