Typical Day

Typical day...
I didn't sleep well. Insomnia will do that to you.
I haven't been eating well. That's interesting because usually I eat like a pig.
I stopped crying. That could be because I am stuffing down the hurt and hiding it-
Or-
It could be the lexapro that is definitely in my system that's allowing me to deal.
Or-
It could be the Sons of Anarchy seasons 1,2, and 3 that serves as a great and wonderful distraction from reality.
I wanna join a motorcycle 'club'.
Thank God that club's not vampires. If someone could come up with a bad ass vampire motor cycle club series on tv, that'd be great. Thanks. Someone wanna get started on it?
In all truthfulness, I am consolable this week. I am stronger this week.
Mi chulo and I had a 2 hour talk. A lot of good that did, right?
I heard 100 promises and 100 reasons and I shoveled all my shit out of my head and off my conscience on to him. And together we made a decision to heal together. We made a decision to bury the past and forgive and forget and start over.
It was me that had to do the majority of the forgiving and the majority of the forgetting. What I have gone through in the last decade at the hands of mi amor, having my heart ripped out and stomped on repeatedly...and it doesn't matter.  The mind games, the head games, whatever it is...he's played them and he played them well. That is what users do. They use up someone til they can't use them anymore and then move on to the next sucker that will go through all the same and gladly do so for the three little words we all so desperately want to hear in our ears, 'I love you'. I think there was some love in there along the way. The laughs, the good times. It couldn't have been all a game all of the time. Right, I keep telling myself that.
"Do you know what it's like to have sex with someone else and every time you do it, you seesomeone else's face?" Ummm, no, because I don;t do that. But he does. He is a sociopath who uses people to get what he wants. Was I one of those people or was I the one and he uses the others.
Neither here nor there...the truth is out there in the open hanging like a question mark. What is next? I don't know.
to be continued...

Jill
4/19/12