Call it over

Being a whore doesn't look good on me. My morals needed to be ironed out. Call it fate, call it karma, call it over, call it what you will. Apparently I do have a conscience. Even though I act like things don't bother me, they do. It takes time to realize it.
Hanging out all the dirty laundry for the right people to see and waiting for the reaction, or in this case inaction, took quite the weight off my shoulders.
I knew sleeping with him was wrong the entire time I was doing it. I knew texting, sexting and the phone calls were wrong and there is no excuse. That went against what I wanted in my own heart and in my own life. I certainly didn't like it when it was done to me. I guess in a way I am sorry I did it and at the expense of others feelings, and at the expense of my own feelings. I kept my boundaries where I set them. As a sexual thing only, but the feelings were still there obviously.
Ahh, feelings. Guilt, doubt and shame and careless.
He wore me down. We had a 2 hour conversation. I poured out my heart and my doubts and those pain in the ass feelings and let the pieces fall where they may. A total release was what it was. Everything I had wanted to say for the last year or so and that was just the tip of the ice berg. I covered everything I thought was meant to be covered and he left me with an agreement of sorts. We agreed to start over and then he agreed to tell her the truth.
The ball was in his court. And he dropped it. I guess he'll never be the man I need him to be after all. The one that still peeks out every once in a while. Plain as day, the truth is he only looks out for number one and that is him. No one else. He chose to go with the girl who will pay for his lawyer fees and feed and clothe and pay. Really, he chose the doormat over the bitch. Life will be easier for all those involved and I am ok with that. Did I really want to start over anyway? A week into a fresh start, he would have fucked it all up again anyway. How many fresh starts can 2 people have?
So we are back to being 'just friends'. And I took it another step further and cut out the friends part. Really I cannot be just friends with him. It is best if we don't speak at all. What happened between the time he left me and the just friends thing is a mystery. I didn't ask and I won't ask. She at least knows now and every time he walks out the door and he doesn't answer the phone, she'll wonder. Every time he tells her an answer, an excuse, a story, she'll wonder if he's lying. The person she thought she knew and the person she thought he was is a facade and is shattered. Whether he told her all of the truth or part of it, the seed of doubt has been planted and the trust thing, well that is broken from here on out. She knows what she's dealing with now, and it's not this great person. It's a person with flaws and issues.
I continue with life as usual minus getting my heart ripped out every day. That is what he did and that is how I see it. I had hope where there really wasn't any to be had.
I don't have a crystal ball and I really don't need one to see a future with or without him.
It's better this way.

Jill
4/24/12