Spring is in the air.

The things I hate about spring.
The windows are open, the door's propped too. It's lovely to air the place out and clean and all that proper stay at home slave bullshit. It's so fucking rewarding to make this lovely home for my precious family.It's fucking great!
Until...I hear the traffic. Every car that drives up and down the street doing 45mph. The screeching of the tires and the slamming of the brakes. Horns, tractor trailers and trucks, oh my!
Until I hear voices...Not in this red head of mine, but every single, solitary motherfucker that passes my house. The voices, the words, the conversations.
Until I hear the neighbors...every fucking spring and summer this is an issue. I can hear asshole father of the fucking year screaming at his wife that works full time and busts her ass to raise her kids and pay for all that. She takes care of her yard, too, which has for generations been a man's job, but because of women's rights WE CAN DO THAT TOO. I don't even know what the argument was about, but I will say I would have popped that fucker in the mouth. Stupid lazy man who cannot even cut the grass but can certainly toke some. Huh, maybe he ran out? So I get to hear the fight. Me, the cops would have been here. Again. Her, she goes to work all pissed off, lacking sleep, toting her two blessings behind her and then works all day. All the bitch wants is a nap.
Until I hear...the motherfucking dogs. Yeah, dogs. I got 2 of them and they are such wonderful blessings. I have no time for their barking and wouldn't let them do 30 seconds worth. If you have animals, then shut them the fuck up. I should not have to sit in my fucking house with headphones on, listening to music because you can't shut your dogs up. And they are ass hole german shepherds with the bark that shakes the house. Boo-hoo all you want, get mad all you want, but when you have people-and not only me- screaming out their windows, 'shut the fuck up!', then you need to shut them the fuck up. Now if I didn't like my neighbors and think highly of them and their kids, they are straight up people definitely, I would have called animal control by now. But for the time being, standing in the driveway and yelling "shut the fuck up, dog!" will have to do. So they got this taser thing. When the dog starts barking its obnoxious, house shaking barks this things sends out a bzzzzzzz sound and/or shock. If I knew I was allowed to electrocute them I would have don this years ago!
Until I hear...children. Packs of them. Life's little blessings running and screaming and chanting and singing and loving life. I do not like children. I like my own and that's because I gave birth to them. Yours? Not so much.
Until I see and damn near go blind...from the hot messes that walk the streets and the family dollar. Ever have one of those moments where you think 'why didn't I bring or have in my hand the camera/cell camera'? Cause since the east coast heat up, THANKS TO  F YOU, GLOBAL WARMING! I get to peep every fat ass fuck that tries to squeeze into hip huggers and daisy dukes. You are not Lil Wayne, put down the skinny pants! Stretchy pants are a fucking no-no! If your fat ass cannot breathe from the dollar store door to the car 10 feet away, then take your stretchy pants to the fucking gym with an inhaler.
So I don't want to hear you, your dogs or your fucking children.  I don't want to hear my dogs or my children.
The only decent thing about this springtime mess-no heat. F YOU, PECO. You will not get a dime from me during this heat wave.

And BTW today is blow job and steak day for the men in our lives. F that, too. I am waiting for lobster and pussy day.

Jill
3/14/12