It's so Q right now. The hum of the building and its equipment is all that can be heard. The sky is still black.The moon is full. No traffic out there on the street. 3 hours to go.
Boredom is a strange beast. It's wide awake within me. I feel so unfulfilled. Empty and lacking. Funny how we hold ourselves back our allow ourselves to be held back. I'm only a just in case gal. Ever have one of those nights where there's a lot on your mind because nothing else is?
I should be asleep in my bed, warm and snug with the girl and the dogs. Eh, next Friday I have off. I can wait til then.
What's on my mind? It is always him. How long does that last? Part of me thinks it'll never end, the constant thinking. Part of me thinks, just get over it already because you wanted this. Remember?! And then I think that a decade is a long time and it'll take time to move my brain on to where my body is. It'd be easier if I didn't ever have to lay eyes on him.
Tonight he popped in around 7. Why? I don't know. He'd been drinking after work. He was awful affectionate, kissing on me in front of the kids, which is a no~ no. He never said why he came over. Maybe he was hungry? IDK...but what I do know is I was glad he didn't stick around. I was glad he was going away, even if out was with Lurch. And I thought that if we were still together that I would have never been able to track him down in time for work. It would have been an argument and a weekend's long fight, a weekend of not speaking to one another. I feel at times-like earlier tonight-that he reinforced my decision that I made to not live with him. To end things. I look around and find clues in my experiences and environment that make me grateful to be a single woman.
He tells me to call him. He tells me if I need anything that he'll be right there. Bull shit I say. That's a load of it. He wants to come back home and I know that. And every time I feel as though I'm missing him, I think it's not him that I am missing. I'm missing something in me. Every time I think I'm missing him, I remember the phone call with the Jersey Whore. I remember the cops at the front door. The seriousness of it all and how utterly out of control we got. His addictions put us there. His behaviors. His actions causing my reaction. And finally that his out if control caused me to be out of control.
I like that I closed the door on that chapter of my life. It'll be six months soon.
When will I get over it? Soon? I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm going to let time deal with it.
Jill
3/10/12
Boredom is a strange beast. It's wide awake within me. I feel so unfulfilled. Empty and lacking. Funny how we hold ourselves back our allow ourselves to be held back. I'm only a just in case gal. Ever have one of those nights where there's a lot on your mind because nothing else is?
I should be asleep in my bed, warm and snug with the girl and the dogs. Eh, next Friday I have off. I can wait til then.
What's on my mind? It is always him. How long does that last? Part of me thinks it'll never end, the constant thinking. Part of me thinks, just get over it already because you wanted this. Remember?! And then I think that a decade is a long time and it'll take time to move my brain on to where my body is. It'd be easier if I didn't ever have to lay eyes on him.
Tonight he popped in around 7. Why? I don't know. He'd been drinking after work. He was awful affectionate, kissing on me in front of the kids, which is a no~ no. He never said why he came over. Maybe he was hungry? IDK...but what I do know is I was glad he didn't stick around. I was glad he was going away, even if out was with Lurch. And I thought that if we were still together that I would have never been able to track him down in time for work. It would have been an argument and a weekend's long fight, a weekend of not speaking to one another. I feel at times-like earlier tonight-that he reinforced my decision that I made to not live with him. To end things. I look around and find clues in my experiences and environment that make me grateful to be a single woman.
He tells me to call him. He tells me if I need anything that he'll be right there. Bull shit I say. That's a load of it. He wants to come back home and I know that. And every time I feel as though I'm missing him, I think it's not him that I am missing. I'm missing something in me. Every time I think I'm missing him, I remember the phone call with the Jersey Whore. I remember the cops at the front door. The seriousness of it all and how utterly out of control we got. His addictions put us there. His behaviors. His actions causing my reaction. And finally that his out if control caused me to be out of control.
I like that I closed the door on that chapter of my life. It'll be six months soon.
When will I get over it? Soon? I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm going to let time deal with it.
Jill
3/10/12
It will take time, but one day you'll wake up and realize you haven't thought of him for years. And you'll realize how much better life is without him. I've been down that very road myself. My ex was always drinking, partying, carrying on...looking for love in all the wrong places. He hurt me, but would be just loving enough to keep me around. His drinking led to nothing but trouble - jail, unfaithfulness, abuse. I finally mustered up the courage to walk away and never look back. Best decision of my life. That was nearly 15 years ago. Recently I saw pictures of him on Facebook and it sent shivers down my spine. He was a part of my life best left in the past. You'll one day feel the same about your ex.
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