On reaching the end of my rope.

"Reaching The End Of My Rope"
"I think we all have those moments where we feel less than.
Moments we we feel incomplete or lacking.
I have had them and for a long time felt that 'lack' every single day of my life and for several years.
I don't know whether it's a fullfillment thing
or an emptiness thing
or a depression bout,
but eventually we reach the end of our rope and start to either climb back up (like me)
to find a better day or continue to hang on by a thread.
We all reach the end of the rope.
It's a waiting game."
The end of your rope, are you getting closer to it?
Have you reached it and started your climb back up?
Reaching the end of your rope is equivalent to reaching rock bottom for the addicted. The moment when you say enough is enough. The moment when you realize what you have been doing the last however many days, months, years, decades hasn't been the road map to happiness. That realization that things didn't turn out how we planned.
That moment when you realize you were fooling yourself.
That moment when you realize that all your hard work has been for naught, a wild goose chase, a means to an end for someone else.
That moment when you know right from wrong and want to act like it.
That moment where you take your life and your things back.
That moment when you realize you can never fix him...or her...or your kid...that you can only fix one
person and it's you.
I think that if I fix me then everything else will fall into place. I am new at this fixing me and climbing that rope back up to normal is a struggle. I still have bad days, bad moments, bad decisions. Each night when I go to sleep I know that there will be a tomorrow and I'll wake up to live it. I'll try all over again and it'll be on my terms.
It takes time for the climb back up from the end of your rope. It doesn't happen overnight. Some decisions are easy to make, but not easy for others to deal with. My new decisions affect the same people that my old, bad decisions affected. It's also constant self reminders that I will not do that again.
I will not sit on my ass daily and regret what I did or didn't do. It's good to remember that clusterfuck life and then grin because I came through it stronger and vow to myself and my kids that we won't journey back there again.
Hope is probably the operative word. When we lose hope, our visions of what we want and need to be happy and fulfilled blur.Hopefully you will never reach the end of your rope. I hope that you are all happy and life is wine and cheesy and fullfilled and everything of that sort. Keep on going. The problem is when we pretend that our lives are all wine and cheesy and fullfilled and happy.
One thing is for sure though. When you reach the end of your rope and you are hanging on by a thread!
DO NOT LET GO!



Jill
2/4/12