Credit where Credit is Due

I don't think I ever spent a lot of time appreciating my own face. I usually look in the mirror long enough to fluff the do and apply some eye liner. I don't think I ever looked to just look.
I never fancied myself pretty or a looker. Not much in the way of beauty, I never believed any one who ever said I was pretty. In fact I don't think I necessarily am.
I was never told I was worth anything. Never cheered on or lauded for any accomplishments. If not cheered on for little milestones, then why attempt any thing new? Set up from day one to fail and think low of myself. Set up for suck. A lifetime of it.

The last 6 months or so I have been working on giving myself credit. I give myself pep talks. I carry Melody Beatty's book, The Language of Letting Go, with me. When I need a kick in the ass from reality, I flip to the date and find that each day's book passage has something to do with me and my issues. Hopelessly codependent, a seeker of bad relationships with men that need mothering and rescuing. Friendships based on that suck too.

If I was in a room full of people, I swear I could seek out and develop a relaitonship with the most screwed up addicted motherfucker in there.  They usually need money, rides, help help help. They need fixing and I have a tool kit in my brain that tries to patch them up.


Today's passage in the book was about Denial. "Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul." She writes. I broke through denial's shell that encapsulated my brain. I feel aware of true colors. I am on point with the reality of any given situation. I am done rescuing. I am done taking care of people. I'm done assuming responsibility and feelings that others should have because they lack them.
So today I am giving myself credit.
Credit for being a good mom. Credit for being a good aunt.
Credit for being a good friend to the friends that matter. Credit for being a good nurse and a good employee.
I hereby give myself props.

Have you given yourself credit lately? Do you give yourself enough credit? Or do you seek it from others? Self validation or validation through the people that surround you? Or both? Is it a healthy balance?

Jill
2/28/12