Control

Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life
Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life
Yeah
Too late
I can't keep chasing em
I'm taking my life back
Caught in a chase
25 to life

I don't think she understands the sacrifices that I made
Maybe if this bitch had acted right I would've stayed
But I've already wasted over half of my life I would've laid
Down and died for you I no longer cry for you
No more pain bitch you
Took me for granted took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt I can no longer stand it
Now my respect I demand it
Imma take control of this relationship
Command it, and imma be the boss of you now goddamnit
And what I mean is that I will no longer let you control me
So you better hear me out this much you owe me
I gave up my life for you, totally devoted to you while I've stayed
Faithful all the way this is how I fucking get repaid
Look at how I dress fucking baggy sweats, go to work a mess
Always in a rush to get back to you I ain't heard you yet
Not even once say you appreciate me I deserve respect
Ive done my best to give you nothing less than perfectness
And I know that if I end this I'll no longer have nothing left
But you keep treating me like a staircase it's time to fucking step
And I wont be coming back so don't hold your fucking breath
You know what you've done no need to go in depth
I told you, you'd be sorry if I fucking left
Id laugh while you wept
Hows it feel now, yeah, funny ain't it, you neglected me
Did me a favor although my spirit free you've set
But a special place for you in my heart I have kept
It's unfortunate but it's,
Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life

I feel like when I bend over backwards for you all you do is laugh
Cause that ain't good enough you expect me to fold myself in half
Til I snap
Don't think I'm loyal
All I do is rap
How can I moonlight on the side
I have no life outside of that
Don't I give you enough of my time
You don't think so do you
Jealous when I spend time with the girls
Why I'm married to you still man I don't know
But tonight I'm serving you with papers
I'm divorcing you
Go marry someone else and make em famous
And take away their freedom like you did to me
Treat em like you don't need them and they ain't worthy of you
Feed em the same shit you made me eat
I'm moving on forget you oh,
Now I'm special? Oh, I didn't feel special when i was with you
All I ever felt was this
Helplessness
Imprisoned by a selfish bitch
Chew me up and spit me out
I fell for this so many times
It's ridiculous
And still I stick with this
I'm sick of this but in my sickness and addiction
You're as addictive as they get
Evil as they come vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking why I can't just walk away from
I'm addicted
To the pain, the stress, the drama
I'm drawn in so I guess imma mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Ain't changing my mind
I'm climbing out this abyss
You screaming as I walk out that I'll be missed
But when you spoke to people who meant the most to you
You left me off your list
Fuck you hip-hop
I'm leaving you, my life sentence is served bitch
And it's just

Too late for the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life

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Change she to he … rap/hip-hop to him… and, Boom! that is how I feel.
This is why I like Eminem.
This is why when I feel like screaming my fool head off I put on this song and I rap along. A white chick from the burbs. Rapping.
Even though this song is about music, it has a different level to it. Eminem’s rhymes layer like an onion, his tunes about relationships that are destructive and dangerous also evoke feelings that are from the core. He takes anger and pain and hurt to another whole level. 
Take it literally or read between the lines. It sums up a relationship with a bitch named music as much as it sums up a decade long relationship with a living breathing bitch.
I am angry,seething angry. When Eminem wants to pull a gun and blow Kim’s head off and drive her off a pier and dump her body, I get it. I understand why. I been there. I have had the desire and have threatened to shoot with a gun I don’t own. I have wanted to set on fire his belongings (and sometimes him). I have had the desire to hack, dismember, and mutilate.  I suppressed feelings and emotions so long that they dissolved and the only emotion left was anger. A violently expressed anger.
When Tommy Lee and Pam get together for a tryst, I understand why.
When Rihanna wants to hook up with, produce music with and or sleep with Chris Brown, I understand why.
Toxic relationships are like a drug, once you get a hit, a cheap thrill. The good times are the best times. It’s exhilarating, it’s invigorating. Like any drug though it reacts within you, addicts you, plays with and changes the chemistry of your mind. When the times are bad, it’s poisonous, a biohazard let loose inside the body. And the chase begins to get that good feeling back, the thrill, the fun, the lust. I chased my dragon. The demons drag you down and suffocate you, but that one person can revive you, bring you back to life.  Eventually you overdose. And with each subsequent overdose, you think you hit bottom and you don’t. You do things that, after all is said and done, you look back and it makes you shudder with…shame or disgust or repulsion. Then the demon creeps in and reminds you how being that fucked up was that fucking fun. Resisting temptation is near impossible. Simply said…the sex is that good.
There are days my soul, my being inside my brain wants to cave in on itself. I think why wasn’t I stronger? Why did I put up with that? Why did I allow that? Why do I slip, trip and fall into love, into lust, into bed, into conversations? I relapse (back into the good memories rather than the bad). Any control and control over decisions out the window. Life is a bitch, so I bend her over and fuck her. Tug her hair while I’m at it.
Then I recover, recharge and re-up the the happiness and the me and find more of my self coming back to life. The longer we are without each other the better off I am.  I get so far and then something…a smell, a stranger that resembles him, a bald head, a tattoo, a song in Spanish comes on my MP3, little reminders come out from the environment and have me seething all over again. Despite the fact I Put my foot down. I ended this. It makes it better. I took control, not over him, the relationship or us. I took control of me. I said no more. I made that decision.
I feel better having made that choice.
Jill
2/24/12