Climbing Up (from the end of my rope)

Is the human mind as easily cracked as an egg shell? Does it weather the storm strong and unmoved as a mountain? I have always wondered what breaks people and what makes people pull through struggles to emerge the other side with scars, but better for it. Some people struggle their entire lives to what end? It’s time that my self imposed struggle ends. Am I the generator of my very own misery? I am beginning to believe so. The only person that is responsible for my own happiness is me. I have plenty of ‘me’ time. I waste it. Are some people meant to have a permanent smirk on their face? Am I destined to this or can one change their destiny? I need to be pro-active in putting a smile on my own face. Other than the fake one. That will be my main focus this year.
One of my other goals this year is feelings. To have some other than anger, frustration and agitation, irritation and general moodiness. Usually I walk around numb. Is it really a big deal to be feeling-less? In some ways life is easier if you lack feelings. I don’t sit and cry over every little thing. I roll with the punches until I am throwing them. I need to start expressing them. You know when people ask that general question, ‘How are you?’ and the general answer is, ‘fine.’ Well, things are not fine.

Another goal of mine is to become more active. Not healthy. Not lose 100lbs. Not create a new life plan. That is unrealistic. What is realistic is  3-4 days a week on a treadmill for 60-90 minutes. Realistic is walking the kids home from school, not to school because that is insane and I am not a morning person. Becoming a morning person is not in the cards. Ever. By becoming more active I will have something other than Face Book to do on a daily basis. There is no excuse for my stagnation.

Another goal is to be more thrifty with my cash flow. I make a decent salary. Not the best and not the worst and I definitely do not get paid enough for the wealth of wisdom in this brain of mine. It may appear as though I am immature and scatterbrained, goofy with strange personality quirks to the masses, but inside this head is an effective nurse with a decade and a half experience. That’s all I will say about that. Cash flow…I spend too much of my hard earned money on frivolous things. I have stopped buying coffee at the store, saving myself 5$ a day x 30 days= 150$/month. I still buy it when I got to work and I guzzle it because the coffee I make in mi cocina cochina is rot gut. I plan on stopping our weekly ordering out 35-40$ a week x 4 weeks = 140-160$ a month. If we stopped eating out bi-weekly that’d save 120$ a month. So I plan on saving some serious cash that could be better used toward a beach vacay or a camping trip or better yet car insurance.  A total savings of almost 500$ A MONTH or 6000$ a year. Amen.  The next project I work on money wise is the cell phone and the plan that is not fit for me anymore. I am made for a pre paid kind of thing I think. That will be another day and another thought.
Another goal I have for myself is to organize all of that onto paper or into a file in the laptop. That will be my hardest accomplishment, the organization of it all.
Among other goals, keeping the house cleaner, putting the wash away sooner, getting up on time. The little things that don’t really matter. I gotta fix up all the big stuff baby step by baby step.
My original goal, not cussing or cutting back on cussing. I am working on that, but I get pissed off easily.
See, I think I made it through almost an entire post without the ‘F’ word. Yay, me for new beginnings
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To quote my daughter, all of 7 years old, “Life is? I don’t know.”  Through the last 37 years, I have yet to figure that out.  Life is? I don’t know either.  Let’s start to find out.
Jill
1/3/12