Reflect on this today: What is most authentic about you? What do you want people to really know about you? Who are you without your ego? Be still, and really listen to how you answer. Then, write down in your journal the qualities that describe your real, unconditioned self. If you're having a little trouble answering these questions for yourself, try writing a biography of your real self in 100 words."
Day One-Knowing who you are
I used to think there was something wrong with me. I am working on getting in touch with me. Like who am I if I am not their mother, her aunt, her daughter, his ‘Mami’. I am just a chick that likes driving an orange mustang with the music real loud.I am Jill dammit. I am the natural red head who has frequent blond moments. I got many extra pounds, love handles and, I have learned, DD’s. I like the new me I am trying to develop. I am not as hard as I was. I am trying to cut back on the sarcasm and the pessimism and the negativity. I am letting shit go and roll off me. I hear myself starting the complaint mode and I stop myself, redirect myself and challenge those feelings. Feelings, I got them. I am used to hiding them, because they don’t matter. But they do. I am not worrying like I used to. I release the need to control everything and everyone around me. I am happy, except for the stupid stuff.
Happy is a whole new feeling. I am alone for the first time in my life and I am liking it. I have no one to answer to and don’t need to include anyone in any decision I make. I can come and go as I please. I can stay up late on my computer or watch tv and not have a feeling like I need to be watching something else or sit by someone’s side or make someone else happy.
Why did I make it my job to make everyone except myself feel good? And after all that doing they were thankless and the same stupid people that they were before I put in the effort. I cannot change anyone. I can only change myself. I can only make myself happy.
There comes a point, sometimes it’s forced, when I have to confront the stuff that I have been putting aside in my head. The stuff that is blatantly in front of me, but I keep saying everything is okay. It takes a little humiliation as well. Instead of blocking out that stuff, it needs embracing. All its ugliness and harshness. The truth eventually comes out even though it’s been out for awhile. I don’t wanna hear it. Sometimes the truth about how fucked things are is being screamed in my ear and I still don’t hear it. Till that day when I broke and had to figure it all out. It was a culmination of years worth of days. And life flat lined and it was revived by me, the only person who could revive it. There were days I didn’t wanna get up, wake up, move this way or that and I truly felt dead inside. I went thru the motions, lost myself in the computer and shut everyone out. I still do to a point and that’s what needs figuring out. Eventually the old ways just don’t work anymore. It took me a very long time to see it. When one area of life falls apart, the other areas follow.
Knowing myself is a new journey. I can say what I like and what I don’t like. I just do what feels good and right for me at the time. I know that there will be a tomorrow and whatever I am stressing over can wait til then. I let myself feel. I let myself get angry. Instead of feeling like I am letting myself down, I just move on and find a new way to deal with things. I don’t make other people’s problems mine. I got enough of my own.
SOM Tuesday 4/26/2011
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