I did not answer it. I didn’t even think of answering it. I didn’t flip the bird at the phone screen either. I am just so over the bullshit. We have been apart a couple weeks now and it feels fucking fabulous. I am not going to lie. I still sneak peaks at the facebook page and I still wonder what’s going on. The who-what-where-when, but I don’t spend time dwelling on the why. Slowly but surely I will whack away at the rest so it won’t matter any more. Spending a decade so involved with someone who didn’t deserve a quarter amount of that time wears down the soul and chisels the moral compass. I have always gone back to what is familiar, comfortable and real. Familiar is dangerous, Comfortable is uncomfortable. Real is fake. It’s all an illusion.
I could spend time calling him names and dwelling on how could I possibly fix this mess. I could spend time going over everything-again. But I won’t. I already have done that a million times with each split. We always got back together with hope and faith that we’d get stronger, but it only degraded me and made me weaker.
It is time to take a real good, in depth look at myself. I am going to be exactly who I am-a grown woman who gives the appearance of strong and independent who needs no assistance maintaining a home and raising of now 4 kids. They are fairly normal, well-adjusted kids-behaved and smart and modern. They have their needs met. I hold down a full time job with odd hours. I hold down the bills and the responsibilities of a couple and I do it alone.
I don’t need anyone or anyone’s assistance. So why did I feel I needed it for so long? I was doing it alone the whole time I was in that waste of a complicated relationship.
I suppose it’s what I call ‘moving forward’. That’s what he told me to do. Move forward. It’ll take willpower to quit that drug that is him. It’s my biggest and most shameful addiction.
2-4-14, Tuesday.
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