I love you all, but

"I want to be alone, just the 2 of us,so we can talk this through."
I am not a talker. I keep you guessing. I keep it to myself so you cannot use it against me in the future.
Oh, Lord. The meeting with my mom went well I guess. I had no good excuses and she sat and told me how horrible, disrespectful a daughter I am. I am just like my father. I smoke too much too. Are you back on your medication? Yes. I went off it, but resumed it when I went fucking nuts. Why are you depressed? I don't know. Why haven't you spoken to me in more than a year? I don't know. Why does the sun rise? I don't know that either. It is what it is, usually shitty.

I don't have any good reason why I can cut people out of my life so easily. I don't know why I don't have an empathetic or sympathetic bone in my body. I don't know why I don't care and even though I wasn't raised that way, I still am that way. So, blah blah blah. I will one day be that recluse with cats. I will one day hide in the house like an old hermit on oxygen surfing the internet and smoking with fingers crossed that the oxygen tank doesn't explode. I have never been this outgoing people person with the need to be needed or to need others. I play well by myself. I am not a total raging alcoholic (yet). I am not a complete recluse (yet). The kids get me out of bed every day like it or not. They still need to eat and get to school. If I didn't have kids now I would be asleep somewhere or just waking up. I'd never get out of bed. I'd do everything from my bed and no one would even know I exist other than the night shift at the local convenience store. I wouldn't have to cook. I wouldn't have to clean cause nothing would be dirty without kids. Ahh, today is one of those days when I keep reminding myself that I have 11 years to go. 11 little years, a decade til I am free of child restraints and responsibility for others. And I have good kids, too. Not those little medicated monsters that roam the aisles at the stores like nut cases.
And kids are total cock blockers too. All you childless creatures out there, you remember that. You can't get your nut off while the school nurse is telling you to come get your kid at school. And we are both aware that the kid is totally faking, but she is a persistant child who does want the day off to hang out with her mother.
On the ex front, he's not my ex anymore. We have come to a meeting of the bipolar minds and have decided that once again we cannot live without each other.
Jill
5/16/12