Dear Mother Earth,

I just told Zoe and Pam that if someone over 6'5 falls the fuck down, they crash through the earth and return to middle earth, the land of the Giants.
"Giants are real? I've never seen one." gasps...

***

The boy strolls out here and tells me in advance about this 5 paragraph essay that he plans on doing. Immediately my ears perk up because I loved doing them when I was in school! He even gets to choose his topic, my heart was doing flip-freakin-flops! 5 paragraph essay on a random topic, not an assigned one? Oh, yes! So what's the topic, boy? Eels. Electric eels. WTF? Then he says his source, rather one of them, will be wikipedia. Uh, great. He continues to ask me how to spell 'eel', believing there is an 'a' in that 3 letter word, which is a step up from my niece who believed that 3 letter word contained a 'q'. Oh, FFS. He can spell electric, but not eel. Advanced placement here we come! He is of me, but not like me.

***

Yesterday was a beautiful first day of spring! So what's a mami with a new healed tat on her right calf do on a super duper spring day? She puts on a sundress that shows that tat off. Only problem being that there's 2 weeks worth of stubble because I cannot shave over it just yet. And, yeah I could have shaved around it, but...I have no good excuse. I usually balk at the idea of wearing underwear. I only wear them to work or with jeans, no bitch wants a chafed puss. I wanted to avoid a Britney Spears crotch shot ordeal getting in/out of the stang, so I rooted around till I found some panties. Immediately uncomfortable, they were either riding down or riding up the crack of my ass.I opted to remove them discretely in the parking lot at the school. Now no one saw this that I know of. Much like the chica in the pic, I was free-pussing. How do you women wear those things?

***

Tuesday, much got accomplished. I bought new curtains for the xbox room. I got my car washed and I bought wine. I skipped right over the bottle and went to the box. I am feeling a bit museless and thought maybe a drink in the evenings wouldn't kill me. I didn't sit and drink the whole 5 liters and at the rate I am going, it'll take a month or two. It's some sour ass Franzia shit that was 15.99 on sale. It did not taste like applebee's sangria drink either. It was sour and putrid, so I added some strawberry frutopia and all was well. Tonight I added fruit punch. I was thinking hard about this wine stuff because it is interfering with my all coffee fluid intake. It dawned on me that I need a liquor that can be added to coffee. Something that'll taste good warm or hot and still give me some lifted spirit. I'll have to ask my alcoholic friends. Once I find my coffee liquor I can make a wine donation to the Rican who will drink anything that contains alcohol.

Maybe Kahlua? Kahlua is the shit mixed with milk. Maybe it'd mix well with coffee, being that it is a coffee liqueur? Or iced coffee? Hmmm...I'll have to experiment.

***

I could kick myself for letting Ro groom my eyebrows! My brows are all rashy and irritated. The last time she did them she used this microwavable wax that left me with an allergic reaction, hivy and red and itchy. Now it looks like I face planted brow first on the carpet. She even did my unibrow. And as she was waxing, I told her, "Ro, I don't have a unibrow."
So as I lube the itchy fucking tattoo on my right calf with Aquaphor, I now lube my brows. I look all shiny and oily. That's hot.

***

"Dear Mother Earth,

You are not my mother. My mother's name is Jill." As told by ZoeM., age 7
Then she continues to lie about how much our family recycles.

***

And that's all for now.

To be continued...

Jill

3/21/12