To be honest…

I am not the biggest fan of New Year’s Resolutions nor the passing of one year into the next. For me, for some reason, it is a reminder of how the year looked exactly like the prior year and how the pending year will mirror them. I guess when our children are young and we as parents sit home on a daily basis staring at the same 4 walls and the same little faces all the while watching them grow, life grows fairly stagnant. Our youth fades as theirs blossoms. Do we have a choice? NO and I wouldn’t change it for anything.
There are some parts of my life that could use some fine tuning and, hell, some parts could use a major over haul. Was 2011 a good year? Over all, no. Some parts were fun and worth reliving, but for the most part it sucked balls. For me, our summer really is when I am happiest. The beasts and I pile into the car or van and off we go. To the shore or to Gettysburg or to Lancaster with the Amish or some amusement park, whatever fits into my non-existant budget. During the winter is when we start thinking of our road trips and then start planning our getaways. It’s usually February when the need for Maryland crabs invades our skulls. All shiny and steamy and red and ready to be ripped apart with our bare hands. That’s the nostalgia of the year that gets me both down because I miss it and up because it’ll soon enough occur again.
I think of all the suck ass shit that happens and all the suck ass feelings I have and I keep it from them. Was their 2011 as fucked as mine was? Not as much, no. There were so many changes the end of this year that it’s all taking some time for us to get our heads around and move on from.
I have to get used to the fact that there is no more ‘us’. It’s just me. Us was over a long time ago, but facing that reality and living that reality…sometimes denial is just an easier dose to swallow than reality. Ain’t life great? No. I never have had a yea response to that question. Not ever. Not once. When ever shit starts moving in the right direction, something comes along to fuck it all up. I have never been this optimistic, up beat, enthusiastic person. I guess it’s all my fault just like everything else.
So to avoid being a Debbie downer, I have formed a ‘loose’ plan in my head to start off 2012. As 2012 will not be like 2011, 2010, and so on. I feel determined about that. Thinking more positively can be difficult for a my glass is empty kinda chick. It’s never half full or half empty, it’s always empty. Just like me. I have to fill myself up some how. Have you ever felt like that? Empty? Useless? Purposeless? It isn’t a good feeling to have and to walk around like that 24/7 sucks balls.
I guess the first thing I am going to tackle would be solving everyone else’s problems. The classic rescuer, co-dependent fool some would say. I have read up on co-dependency and it appears as though all those red flags are flying in my face. I need to save the people that matter…me and my babies. F the rest. Everyone else’s problems are not my problem.
I am no good on focusing on me, being selfish. My focus is usually on everyone else. Others’ needs. It will be difficult at first. I have started that already. My first test will come after the first of the year when I have to deal with him. His staycation in the County jail will end in a week. I am a little nervous about this. He is not a priority anymore. His needs, his wants. It’s all me and the kids. That’s it.
Second thing to tackle ties in to the first thing to tackle-setting limits. Strict limits and boundaries that people cannot cross. The last several weeks were heavenly and stress free. The farther away from him and the more distance between us the better. We are all better for it. I have to be firm and stand my ground. This can be difficult because he’s a manipulative motherfucker. He’s sneaky, but I am sneakier. And it’s not just him. I have to say no at the right time and without fault and guilt and mean it.
That’s all the BS. I got other parts of my ‘loose’ plan.
Also a New Year’s ReZ, shedding unwanted fat layers.
It also won’t hurt to save a little cash. I have a fool proof plan. Stop eating out, stop ordering out, and make my own coffee. The coffee part of the financial plan is already in effect.


SOM
12/29/11