It has been one of those days. I am tired because I spent the night dreaming. Ever dream that you are at work? I do frequently. It's wavers back and forth between my current job at +pp+internet cafe and my previous job at Wally-world. (Both are obvious nick names and I call both places by these obvious nick names.) Well, last night I spent most of my dream at Wally-world, doing what? I don't know. It involved some level of stress. Then the dream transitioned to the internet cafe where we were dramatically over staffed by like 28 people and I couldn't for the life of me get a proper head count of who was working where. Both job dreams were very stress filled and very disorganized. Both scenarios I definitely do not like in the workplace in real life because I pride myself on not having either. Either way, that is not the point. Cause dreams are dreams, but I think that if I dream I am working and put in an honest 8 hours, then I should be paid for it. Not that I woke up calling either shit hole asking for wages.That would be crazy.
Instead I dragged myself out of bed and messed with my hair (at 11am). My hair is grossly long for me and I desperately need a hair cut. I have been putting it off because I want to grow it long. It hasn't been long in about 5 years. I never let it get back to long because of the blow drying and spraying that goes hand in hand with that in between stage of short to long.Once it gets to a certain length, I'm ok. It's the wait, around 6 months, that I cannot stand.
I prettied myself up enough to go get coffee and come back home. A hat would have done the same thing I suppose.
The boy had one of his friends over here today. They occupied my computer and were working on Minecraft. The dogs don't like kids and thank God they are not pits or large breed dogs or they would have already claimed victims. The ankle biter yips and the mini pincher is a jumper. He jumps on people. He's really obnoxious at times and we caged him.Then there were 4 kids here. The boy and his friend who has this real high pitched girl trill to his voice, which sounds very much like a cartoon voice.He looks enough like my boy to be his twin and he's just as goofy. There were also the bitchy girls. And they woke up with the 'I hate you, bitch' attitude toward each other. It was one of those days where all they did was pick at and on each other. Around the time the boys were ready to leave and go to friend's house, I was ready to kick out anyone who I couldn't claim on my taxes. That left me with the witches.
Having off school throws them off their whole routine.
As things were quieting down around here I busied myself with mom chores. For me, I accomplished a lot. I had a cleaning bug bite me on the ass and I have been rearranging and organizing and getting rid of stuff. Stuff I am getting rid of goes on our front porch. It's the last true mess of the house and it needs to be loaded into the mom mobile and taken to the Goodwill. I cleaned the kitchen windows, hanged the new blind for the small window and cleaned the turtle tank. That thing was downright slimy and nasty. A couple times I thought the turtle had died and was rotting in there. I'd knock on the glass and she'd move. Her name is Clyde, but once she laid eggs (without fucking for those eggs) we had to rename her Clara. I also vacuumed the entire downstairs, did all the dishes, bagged up laundry. Basically I'm cleaning like a crack whore who's expecting child services to knock on the door. The only thing I didn't do was take the AC out of the window. By the end of my afternoon I had run out of energy.
Then the girls decided to invite the kid next door over. The kid next door always has this air of sneakiness about him. I get a long well with these neighbors, so I try not to complain about this kid. I let things slide. He's no angel. When I think about it neither are mine.
They didn't know what they wanted to do, inside/outside/upside fucking down...I sent the niece home and the sneaky kid next door and brought the girl inside when she was slapped in the face by the niece. My baby never slaps back. One day she will release her inner ninja. Her Papi and I tell her she's allowed all the time. Whether it's your brother, your cousin, the kid next door, a kid at school, unleash the fist dammit. But the girl's no bully. Her Papi is a good fighter. He taught her young how to form a fist and punch. Hard. One day it'll click I guess.She's the only one who can decide when to do it.
That's when the man himself showed up and apologized for the 100th time about the events of this past weekend. Did he fuck up my weekend off? Yes. Was he in the wrong? We agree to disagree. He accepts responsibility for my busted cordless phone. He did smash it on the front steps. He's beginning to see the light. Is he willing to admit he's an alcoholic? Almost.
Is he willing to quit drinking? Almost. Is he an asshole when he drinks and causes everyone problems? He agrees with that. He still thinks it's manageable though.
It's painfully obvious that we cannot live together. I think I am ok. He instigates me and irritates me when he's drinking. I spent a lot of time moving his things this last week or so, prior to the drunken ice storm drama. There was no fight. There was no argument. It was me saying no more. It was me saying it was over and I was done with the craziness he causes in my life. His belongings are in the basement and some outside. He removed the stuff outside, but with the pending DUI time he's facing, he'll need temporary storage not another place to live. So he's in the wind at the moment.
I know where I am. I am mom. I am strong and I am not fooling around. He's got a lot of self-work to do before I'd consider another round with him. He needs to recover. Recovery from drug addiction, check. Replacing it with alcohol addiction, check. No substitutions. Do I love him with all my heart? Yes. Do I see myself being with him when I am old and on oxygen and cannot breathe and he has to fetch my inhaler? Yes. Right now he has demons of his own to fight and like our little one who will one day release her ninja, he will one day release his demons. Whether he has to clear it up with God or his mom or some horrible shit he has seen or done in his life time? I don't know. When he does it and when he grabs life without a Bacardi bottle in his hand, that's when I will be able to accept him and move on to something new with him. I have my own stuff to work on.
SOM
11/1/11
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